The Mancino Affair

Scene One: Introduction

(Lights rise on the bustle of the restaurant. The stage goes silent as the NARRATOR enters. As they talk, everyone plays out the events that occur up until the arrival of ANNE.)

NARRATOR:


Have you seen the restaurant on a Saturday night? At around 7:45, there’s a moment when something in the air begins to shift. When the staff seem to settle into their places - weaving between tables with easy smiles, pulled across the room by an invisible thread. The customers greet their waiters in scripted conversation, before greeting their food with even greater enthusiasm. (To an elderly COUPLE) How is the food?

MARGARET:


Oh yes, lovely, thank you, dear.

(NARRATOR turns away.)

NARRATOR:


But this Saturday, there’s an undercurrent of tension to the dance of words and feet. A keenly awaited patron creating a restaurant poised. A breath held. A bow string pulled taut…
(ANNE enters and is seated with ALEXANDER.)
And released. As hours of work begin to unfurl and days of planning slot into place: a delicately dressed table; a hand-picked waitress; a carefully crafted order of events. But that’s Mancino’s for you - an organised, well-oiled machine-

(The NARRATOR is interrupted as they are almost run into by LIV.)

LIV:


Sorry, sorry, coming through.

NARRATOR:


A mostly organised, well-oiled machine. Every person, a piece set. Every movement, intentional. Every moment, intricately planned and timed to perfect-

(The NARRATOR is cut off again as JANE stands up and lets out a gasp of joy.)

JANE:


(fishing a ring out of her glass) Yes! Oh, yes! I knew it! I knew it! You really can’t keep a secret, can you?

JOHN:


I- uh- sorry?

JANE:


Don’t be. This is the happiest day of my life.

(She embraces him, and the restaurant begins to applaud, along with the NARRATOR, who’s standing behind ANNE’s chair.)

NARRATOR:


(to ANNE) So wonderful to see young love at work, don’t you think?

(ANNE does not respond. The NARRATOR stands back.)

NARRATOR:


Sometimes all it takes is one slip…

(LIV enters, sees the police, reacts and trips, spilling the glass over ANNE.)

ANNE:


You untrained imbecile!

(At her outburst and state, multiple waiters move in with cloths, including THOMAS.)

NARRATOR:


One thread pulled from the carefully woven tapestry…

(PC COLE HARDY gets up and begins to try and help, but is blocked by ALEXANDER.)

ALEXANDER:


Please stand back, sir. Everything’s under control.

PC COLE HARDY:


But-

NARRATOR:


… and then every stitch begins to unravel.

ANNE:


Do you know how much this costs? Do you understand what you’ve done?

(ANNE tries to wave away the people around her as ALEXANDER continues to try and stop COLE getting any closer.)

NARRATOR:


Dominoes falling, one by one…

ANNE:


(standing as she gasps loudly in horror) Oh, Alexander, it’s gone!

COLE:


Alright, everybody freeze.

(Everyone freezes, except the NARRATOR and ANNE. There’s a pause as the NARRATOR turns to the audience with a wink.)

NARRATOR:


(to the audience) I hope you caught all that…

ANNE:


(faintly) It’s gone…

NARRATOR:


(turning to ANNE) What’s gone, madam?

ANNE:


(incredulous) What’s gone? My bracelet is gone.

NARRATOR:


Can I help you look for it?

ANNE:


Look for it? I didn’t drop it. The prize of Marie Antoinette’s jewellery collection didn’t just fall off my wrist. An £8 million bracelet disappears after a tactless waitress dowses me in cheap wine. I think it’s obvious what has happened. (glares at LIV)

NARRATOR:


Now I’m not sure you should be handing out accusations so recklessly.

ANNE:


And why not? What’s it to you? Are you protecting her?

NARRATOR:


Why would I do that? I’m just here to tell the story.

ANNE:


You are?

NARRATOR:


Every good story needs a narrator. Now, why don’t we start at the beginning? (Claps twice) Shall we?

ANNE:


What on Earth…?

(Everyone on stage springs into action as the NARRATOR guides ANNE up the stairs to the balcony. Characters transform the set from restaurant into park for the first time.)

Scene Two: Anne’s Story - The Park

NARRATOR:


Go on then, tell us what happened.

ANNE:


You want me to…?

NARRATOR:


Walk us through your day. If you’re so sure the waitress stole it, show us. Where were you before dinner?

ANNE:


Well, on Saturdays, I take my lunch in the park. I find it gives me perspective on the week: what went badly, what went worse, etc. And of course, it helps me stay mindful (dialing her phone) .

(NARRATOR gives a glance of disbelief from behind)

ANNE:


My bodyguard is getting my coffee, so I take the moment to call my assistant. (Into the phone) Ah good, John. We need a new model for the shoot on Monday. I’m looking at Miranda’s headshots now and it's just not good enough.
(A murmuring voice can be heard through the phone in response. This continues in each pause in conversation.)
Yes, John. I’m aware it’s Saturday. I just need you to tell me you’ve found a new model and then you can get right back to your pickleball practice.
…
If I were the editor of foreheads weekly, then Miranda wouldn’t just be on the front cover, she would *be* the front cover. Full bleed, no headlines. But seeing as I don’t run foreheads weekly, I’m not willing to devote half my ink to the landing strip on the front of her face. So please John, if it wouldn’t be a bother, forget whatever I said last week and find me someone who will actually fit onto the page.
…
I don’t care how you find her, John. Just make sure she’s at least 6 foot tall, preferably brunette and available on Monday.
…
John if you mention that sport one more time, trust me, you won’t have any balls left to pickle.

(ANNE glances at THOMAS who has just sat reading a magazine. The front-page is a profile that reads, “Anne Frost, Is Fashion’s Ice Queen Freezing Up?”)

ANNE:


Oh and John, I- uh- (coughs) I have a reservation at Mancino's tonight and my dining partner has become indisposed so I wanted to extend the invitation to you.

(ALEXANDER enters holding 3 cups of coffee. He notices THOMAS on the bench staring up at ANNE and moves him along.)

ANNE:


Alright, John. Get in early on Monday. (Hanging up the phone)

ALEXANDER:


Miss Frost doesn’t do autographs, move it along.

(THOMAS scurries off without saying a word)

ANNE:


I find it quite incredible how many of the world’s morons have weaseled their way into the fashion industry. (She takes a sip of the first coffee, is disgusted and sets it aside) I’m beginning to suspect some kind of brain eating parasite is rampaging through the offices of Chique Magazine turning my coworkers into dullards. (Taking a sip of the second coffee before setting it aside, equally disgusted) I can only presume for the singular purpose of driving me mad.

(She takes a sip of the third and final coffee, gives an expression that says “It’ll do” and signals for the other two to be thrown away.)

ANNE:


Although, I suppose there are a similar number of ignorami in the personal protection industry. Do you find that… (She searches for his name)

NARRATOR:


Aren’t you supposed to know your own bodyguard’s name?

ANNE:


Aren’t you supposed to shut up when a story picks up pace?

ALEXANDER:


Alexander, madam. And I really couldn’t say: I’ve only been a bodyguard for a few months.

ANNE:


That doesn’t sound right, Alexander. *I hired you* a few months ago.

ALEXANDER:


You’re my first client, madam. Hired me straight out of university.

ANNE:


What kind of university teaches bodyguarding?

ALEXANDER:


Actually, I read psychology.

ANNE:


Oh dear Alexander, psychology? You know psychology is just astrology masquerading as a science?

ALEXANDER:


(Turning away, intentionally avoiding her provocation) I think that psychology is the most important of all the sciences.

ANNE:


Oh, really?

ALEXANDER:


Yes, really. Physics may tell us how the planets move, but it can’t tell us why we do the things that we do.

ANNE:


How insightful.

(While ALEXANDER is distracted, ANNE takes the moment to nab the notepad sticking out of his back pocket.)

ALEXANDER:


Why a man might make a fool of himself just to see his wife one more time, while another can’t build the courage to-

ANNE:


You fancy yourself quite the wordsmith don’t you, Alexander? (Said while flicking through pages of his notepad)

ALEXANDER:


(He turns to see her looking through his book. An anger bubbles inside him, but he regains his calm) That’s very personal, madam.

ANNE:


Yes, I can see that. (Reading from the book) Ms Anne Frost is not nearly as cold as she pretends to be. I believe her prickly persona is a charade intended to provoke her *target* into snapping. It’s a carefully crafted charade, but beneath it-

ALEXANDER:


(Taking the book back) -beneath it, she is a deeply passionate person. She does not push people away because she dislikes them; but because letting them close feels like a distraction from what actually matters.

ANNE:


(Scoffs) Alexander, you’ll need a little more than flattery if you want to-

ALEXANDER:


(Reading from the book again) She also cannot admit she is wrong about people.

ANNE:


(Slightly taken aback) I’m sorry?

ALEXANDER:


I believe you are prejudicial. You don’t allow people to give a proper account of themselves.

ANNE:


I’ve not once formed a judgment about a person that wasn’t based on fact.

ALEXANDER:


Last week I watched you throw away half the CVs for your assistant position because you didn’t-

ANNE:


-didn’t want anyone unlucky working for me. A decision I stand by. I appreciate your point, but in fashion, judging a book by its cover is the name of the game.

ALEXANDER:


Well, what happens if you get it wrong?

ANNE:


If your first impression of someone is wrong, then it's too late to change your mind anyway. You don’t get second chances in my line of work.

ALEXANDER:


And when you’re not at work?

(The statement hangs in the air for a moment)

NARRATOR:


Then what happened?

(ANNE regains her composure, somewhat surprised to hear the voice of the NARRATOR)

ANNE:


Well, I invited him to dinner.

Scene Three: Anne’s Story - The Restaurant

(NARRATOR gives a look and claps for the scene change. As we move to the restaurant, ANNE begins speaking.)

ANNE:


We arrived at 7:45 on the dot, though the waitress looked so ill-prepared you would’ve thought we’d turned up 4 days early.

LIV:


Evening, madam. Do you have a reservation with us tonight?

ANNE:


(Surprised to even be asked) Yes dear. It'll be under Frost. Anne Frost.

(LIV goes to type the name into a system but halts as her thoughts catch up to her)

LIV:


Oh.. my.. god. Of course, Anne Frost. You’re the editor of Chique. I mean I knew you were coming, I just didn’t realise *you* were coming. I mean you’re a hero, *my* hero. And… I didn’t recognise you. I’m so sorry. I just-

(ANNE stares back blankly)

LIV:


Right. Your table. We’ve got you at table number 4, right over here. (Gesturing to a table in the corner)

ANNE:


Oh, no. I don’t think so, darling.

LIV:


No?

(Her fearful eyes land on ALEXANDER* gesturing to the central table from behind ANNE)

LIV:


Of course, I meant table number 1. Right this way.

(ALEXANDER pulls the seat out for ANNE who quietly appreciates the gesture)

LIV:


Can I take your drinks order?

ANNE:


I’m not sure, can you?

LIV:


I… I don’t-

ANNE:


We’ll have a bottle of the Château Petrus.

(LIV nods and takes the drinks menu from the table, thanked only by ALEXANDER. She trips over the NARRATOR slightly on her way out.)

ANNE:


(Noticing ALEXANDER’S disapproval) What?*

ALEXANDER:


You didn’t have to treat her like that. She was clearly a fan of yours.

ANNE:


Oh, please. She was not a *fan*. She just recognised me from the papers. The tabloids have been eating up that interview I did with GQ last week about my jewellery collection.

ALEXANDER:


I don’t think anyone expected you to own as much of Antoinette’s collection as you did.

ANNE:


Marie Antoinette was deeply misunder… (She notices JOHN at the nearby table with JANE and gives a quiet look of disappointment) Ah.

ALEXANDER:


What?

ANNE:


My assistant is sitting at the table over there.

(ALEXANDER turns to look but is stopped by ANNE)

ALEXANDER:


The one you were barking down the phone at earlier?

ANNE:


(Sensing the tone of disapproval in his voice) He’s unqualified! That’s hardly my fault. He’s untalented, slovenly, unimaginative and.. (Notices the ring in the champagne glass) Oh, but surely not that unimaginative.

JANE:


(fishing a ring out of her glass) Yes! Oh, yes! I knew it! I knew it! You really can’t keep a secret, can you?

ANNE:


Doesn’t love like that just sicken you, Alexander? I can see that whole marriage already. Sure he wants her now. Right now she’s stroking his arm, tickling his ego. But in a year’s time, when she can’t stomach another fake laugh at one of his awful jokes, he’ll ditch her in a heartbeat. And you know what the worst part is?

ALEXANDER:


I can’t imagine.

ANNE:


He’s definitely not going to find me my model before Monda-

(LIV reenters tripping again on the NARRATOR, spilling wine over ANNE)

ANNE:


You untrained imbecile!

(The wait staff and THOMAS move in to dry her off)

LIV:


Oh f— I’m so sorry, I just.. I tripped.. I don’t..

(ALEXANDER moves her away looking disappointed before blocking COLE moving in trying to help)

ALEXANDER:


Please stand back, sir. Everything’s under control.

ANNE:


Do you know how much this costs? Do you understand what you’ve done?

LIV:


I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. This wasn’t meant to happen. It wasn’t meant to go like this. I-

ANNE:


(standing loudly as she gasps in horror) Oh, Alexander, it’s gone!

COLE:


Alright, everybody freeze.

(Everyone freezes except ANNE and the NARRATOR again.)

Scene Four: Liv’s Story - The Park

ANNE:


There! You see! She did it. That waitress stole my jewellery.

NARRATOR:


Perhaps.

ANNE:


Perhaps? Were you paying any attention? God, you're worse than my employees.

NARRATOR:


What I saw is not relevant. The question is, how much did you actually see?

ANNE:


I saw everything I needed to see. That waitress is a common mutt and a thief.

NARRATOR:


Are you sure you just “can’t admit you’re wrong about people?”

ANNE:


I’m not wrong-

NARRATOR:


Then maybe you’ll allow someone to give a proper account of themselves.

ANNE:


Excuse me?

NARRATOR:


(turning to LIV) Your turn.

ANNE:


You can’t be serious.

LIV:


My turn?

NARRATOR:


Let’s try this again. (Claps twice) Shall we?

(The NARRATOR this time helps LIV to the balcony as the scene resets to the park.)

LIV:


I’m not sure about this. It’s not exactly a day I’m keen to relive.

NARRATOR:


You’d rather be arrested?

LIV:


You’d have me arrested? I can’t be arrested.

NARRATOR:


Then what happened?

LIV:


What happened? I…

(NARRATOR gestures for her to continue)

LIV:


(sighing) I was running late for work.

NARRATOR:


Typical of you?

LIV:


No, it’s really not! I don’t - I’m not- I mean I never mean to. I just- it just- (heavy sigh) * Time seems to go somewhere. One minute you’re collecting your things to leave the house and the next you’re already late for work. One day you’re taking a job as a waitress at a restaurant as a temporary thing and the next somehow three years have gone by, and that temporary job has become your actual job and you can’t leave because you need the money and you don’t remember how any of this happened. Only that it wasn’t meant to. Things weren’t meant to go like this.

(There is a heavy pause.)

LIV:


You must be thinking I’m pathetic.

NARRATOR:


I’m *thinking* you have somewhere to be?

LIV:


(snapping out of her thoughts) Shit. (turn to NARRATOR in panic) I’m running late.

(She sprints down the stairs through the park, muttering to herself, followed by a bemused NARRATOR)

LIV:


Oh no, no, no, no… Steph told me we have a special guest tonight and I said I’d be there early and Vicky’s gonna kill me…

(She stops in her tracks halfway down the stage, letting her bag fall to the floor behind her.)

LIV:


Vicky. Oh my god. She’s going to do more than kill me. This is my third strike this month. She’s going to fire me.

NARRATOR:


(lazily picking up the bag) Is that more than killing you?

LIV:


(Pacing to the other side of the stage) I need to come up with an excuse, fast. What’s a good excuse? My dog ate my homework. That’s a classic one, right? Right?

NARRATOR:


(placing the bag further away and potentially out of sight) For school children, maybe?

LIV:


Right, I’m not in school anymore, I’m an adult. I’m an adult, I can handle this. Just need to handle it like a mature adult. Who am I kidding? I’m not an adult. I don’t know what I’m doing and…

(During this spiral, PC IAN DUNCAN has noticed her bag is lost and goes to pick it up. He starts waving her over.)

LIV:


… is that cop waving at me? No. I’m too young to be arrested.

PC IAN DUNCAN:


Miss! Miss!

LIV:


I’m an adult. I’m not too young to be arrested. I can’t go to jail. Oh shit.

(She starts running off stage, out towards the restaurant. DUNCAN is in pursuit, still calling out but LIV is determined and exits. The scene begins to change as the narrator talks.)

NARRATOR:


Well. (shrugs and claps twice, turning to the audience) That was a whirlwind wasn’t it?

Scene Five: Liv’s Story - The Restaurant

(LIV reenters, out of breath.)

NARRATOR:


(to the audience) Ah, there she is. (to Liv) Welcome into safety.

LIV:


Not quite. You know what they say, out of the frying pan…

STEPH:


Liv! Get down here, quickly.

LIV:


(descending the stairs) … and into the fire.

STEPH:


Come on. Vicky’s gonna lose it if she sees you wandering in this late. What the hell happened to you?

LIV:


(in between breaths) There… was… a cop… and…*

STEPH:


You’re in trouble with the police? Girl. What did you do?

LIV:


Nothing! I swear I did nothing but he was waving at me and I don’t know, I just…

STEPH:


Panicked?

LIV:


Ugh. (she puts her head in her hands) Vicky is going to fire me.

STEPH:


Good.

LIV:


Steph?

STEPH:


Oh come on, we both know you need to get out of here. You’re better than this place. You should have quit months ago.

LIV:


I know, and I’m going to. I just need to put a bit more in savings.

STEPH:


I’ve heard that before. Now get your uniform and let’s go, or else Vicky won’t let you live long enough to quit.

LIV:


Right, uniform, that’s in my…

NARRATOR:


Bag?

(LIV looks around in confusion at her lack of bag as Vicky appears.)

VICKY:


Where’s your uniform?

(Vicky is stopped at the sight of the NARRATOR)

VICKY:


Can I help you with something?

NARRATOR:


Oh don’t mind me. Just here to observe. Although… here. This is a request from table three.

(the NARRATOR hands her a note and a box and she reads it, opens the box, and raises her eyebrows)

VICKY:


Table three? But- I mean, of course, we’ll get on that right away. (Turns to hand the note and box to Steph) Steph?

STEPH:


(having a look at the note and the box) Ooooo, looks like it’s someone’s lucky day.

VICKY:


Apparently, so. Make it happen, Steph. Enough dawdling.

STEPH:


Of course, Vicky. (to Vicky as she moves to leave to the main restaurant) Go easy on her, she’s had a tough day.

(STEPH winks at LIV as she moves to place the ring in a glass)

VICKY:


I bet she has.

LIV:


Vicky. I can explain.

VICKY:


And any other night I’m sure I’d be delighted to hear it. But in the next few minutes, one of the richest ladies in the city is going to walk through those doors and expect to be greeted by five star service. And *you* have been chosen to give her that service. You hear me? *Chosen.* You were hand-picked by the owner himself, and I am trusting you to deliver. Am I understood?

LIV:


Yes, Vicky.

VICKY:


Good, now find a spare uniform and get out there.

(VICKY storms out front to greet some extras.)

NARRATOR:


So what did you do?

LIV:


What I always do. (pulling on a waistcoat) Exactly what I’m told.

(ANNE and ALEXANDER enter at the top of the balcony.)

LIV:


Now, if you’ll excuse me. I have a job to do.

(LIV moves to greet ANNE and ALEXANDER)

LIV:


Evening, madam. Do you have a reservation with us tonight?

ANNE:


(Surprised to even be asked) Yes, dear. It’ll be under Frost. Anne Frost.

(LIV goes to type the name into a system but halts as her thoughts catch up to her)

LIV:


Oh… my… god. Of course, Anne Frost. The editor of Chique Magazine. I mean I knew you were coming, I just didn’t realise *you* were coming. I mean you’re a hero, *my* hero. And… I didn’t recognise you. I’m so sorry. I just-

(ANNE stares back blankly)

LIV:


Right. Your table. We’ve got you at table number 4, right over here.

ANNE:


Oh no. I don’t think so, darling.

LIV:


No?

(Her fearful eyes land on ALEXANDER who coughs and gestures to the central table from behind ANNE.)

LIV:


Of course, I meant table number 1. Right this way.

(ALEXANDER pulls the seat out for ANNE.)

LIV:


Can I take your drinks order?

ANNE:


I’m not sure, can you?

LIV:


I… I don’t-

ANNE:


We’ll have a bottle of the Château Petrus.

(LIV nods and takes the drinks menu from the table. She almost runs into the NARRATOR on her way up the stage.)

LIV:


Sorry, sorry, coming through.

(STEPH moves over to her as she desperately searches for the bottle)

STEPH:


Liv! You have to see… are you okay?

LIV:


(stopping her frantic searching, to throw her hands up in frustration) No! Why didn’t you tell me our special guest was Anne Frost?

STEPH:


I was going to, but then *someone* showed up late.

LIV:


(shaking her head and spacing out in disbelief) I just made a complete fool of myself in front of *the* Anne Frost.

STEPH:


Chill girl. You need to see what I just dropped off at table three.

LIV:


What-

(JANE stands up and lets out a gasp of joy.)

JANE:


(fishing a ring out of her glass) Yes! Oh, yes! I knew it! I knew it! You really can’t keep a secret, can you?

(the COUPLE continue in the background as the conversation resumes)

STEPH:


(finding the bottle Anne requested) See? When love like that exists, things can’t be so bad, eh?

LIV:


I- but- no.

STEPH:


(pouring a glass of wine) Now pull yourself together, and think about the fact that you get to serve *the* Anne Frost her wine.

LIV:


Right. This should be exciting. This is an opportunity.

STEPH:


Exactly, you were chosen especially. You got this, girl.

LIV:


Yes. I was chosen. I got this.

(LIV picks up the glass and the bottle and moves back out to give it to ANNE. She spots the police on the way back through.)

LIV:


Shit. Is that the-

(She trips before she can reach the table, spilling the glass over ANNE.)

ANNE:


You untrained imbecile!

(The wait staff and THOMAS move in to dry her off)

LIV:


Oh f- I’m sorry, I just… I tripped… I don’t…

(ALEXANDER moves her away looking disappointed before blocking COLE moving in trying to help)

ALEXANDER:


Please stand back, sir. Everything’s under control.

ANNE:


Do you know how much this costs? Do you understand what you’ve done?

LIV:


I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. This wasn’t meant to happen. It wasn’t meant to go like this. I-

ANNE:


(standing loudly as she gasps in horror) Oh, Alexander, it’s gone!

COLE:


Alright, everybody freeze.

(Everyone freezes once more.)

NARRATOR:


So, simply a victim of circumstance? Is that right?

LIV:


I- uh- yes. I suppose so.

NARRATOR:


That good enough for you, madam?

ANNE:


(Sizing up Liv) Hm. Well if not her, then who else could it have been?

NARRATOR:


Now you’re beginning to ask the right questions. I think it's time we started talking to the professionals. You! Officer!

COLE:


(unfreezing) Me?

NARRATOR:


Yes, you. You must have some answers for us. Or is that get-up just for show?

Scene Six: Cole’s Story - The Park

COLE:


Oh, I can assure you, sir. There are few more qualified than I to wear this uniform. (Showing his badge to the NARRATOR) I have been conducting an elaborate sting operation that appears to have culminated here, in this restaurant.
(COLE guides the NARRATOR up the balcony. The NARRATOR claps and the set begins to change)
You see, I believe this to be the work of a serial jewel thief. A man known only as the “Jack of Diamonds” - you can thank the papers for that nickname. Of course, if it was down to me, we’d keep all this out the public eye. But with six high-profile heists in just six months. Well, there’s only so much you can do to keep a story like that under wraps.

NARRATOR:


Sounds a bit performative if you ask me. Anyway, how can you know it’s the “Jack of Diamonds” that pulled this off?

COLE:


Well, you see, he’s got what we in the business call a *modus operandi*. A pattern in his crimes that separates him from any other low-life crook.

NARRATOR:


So this crime matches his M.O?

(COLE looks impressed that he knows what M.O means)

COLE:


Indeed, it does. In fact, it matches the only two things we know about the Jack.
Number one: his aptitude for getting lucky. For whatever reason, the man upstairs seems to have a soft spot for our Jack: everything just seems to fall into place for him. It’s the only reason he’s evaded my crosshairs of justice for so long.

NARRATOR:


And number two?

COLE:


(Intense stare) A woman.

NARRATOR:


A woman?

COLE:


Yeah. That woman sat right there! (gestures to a bench seating BRIDGET) Bridget Hazelwood. She’s at the scene of every one of his crimes.

NARRATOR:


So she’s your prime suspect then?

COLE:


Well, of course she *was*. But all attempts to tie her to the jewels have failed. (COLE sits on a bench behind BRIDGET and brandishes a pair of binoculars) As such, my partner and I have the critical mission of covertly following her in the hopes of catching the thief red-handed.

NARRATOR:


Your partner? What partner?

COLE:


(While staring at BRIDGET through his binoculars) He’s gone to relieve himself in a bush.

(PC DUNCAN enters whistling loudly and doing up his flies)

COLE:


(Sternly) Constable Duncan!

IAN:


What is it, Cole?

COLE:


We are on a *stealth mission*. Any unnecessary disturbance threatens our position. We are to be cloak and dagger!

IAN:


Right, “cloak and dagger.” Listen, Cole. It’s gone seven thirty now, and that’s when I clock off, so I think I’m gonna head home.

COLE:


(Looking up from his binoculars for the first time in a mix of horror and confusion) You couldn’t possibly consider leaving now!? Bridget’s out in the open, the Jack could strike at any moment, and we need to be primed!

IAN:


Cole, I’ve got better things to do.

COLE:


What could be more worthy of your time than this? We have the opportunity to put the cuffs on the “Jack of Diamonds”! This man is embarrassing the whole force! What could you possibly have planned that’s more important than that?

IAN:


An oven pizza and my playstation?

COLE:


Well, (scoffs) if you think video games are a more worthwhile use of your evening, then by all means, you can leave.

(IAN takes a moment before moving to exit. COLE notices and leaps to his feet.)

COLE:


Constable Duncan! Why did you even join the police force?

IAN:


What? (Exasperated)

COLE:


What drove you to become an officer of the law?

IAN:


(Sighs) A courtesy car and a decent signing bonus.

COLE:


Well, have I ever told you why I joined?

IAN:


Oh, you really don’t need to- (Checking watch with frustration)

COLE:


(Delivered with the intensity of a cop describing a gritty case) It was the 13th of April 1999. I was in year 4.

IAN:


Year 4 of the academy?

COLE:


No? Year 4 of primary school.
It was a cold morning in Mrs Everitt's classroom. We’d just finished the seven times table, and needless to say, the atmosphere was electric. But I had my eyes transfixed on a girl, Susie Ross. I liked her for the way she tied her hair: neat and tidy, not like the other girls. Anyway, it was while I was looking at her that I noticed Fred Foster sneak up behind her. Without making a sound, he crept up and ripped the hair band right out her ponytail. At this moment, I felt something I’d never felt before. Rage bubbled inside me; I saw red. So I did the only thing I could. I grabbed a Pritt stick from the table beside me, and all of a sudden, Fred Foster was in my crosshairs of justice. With all the might I had, (mimes throwing a Pritt stick) I hurled it right at him. Hit him point-blank on the back of the head; he went straight down.

(COLE looks to IAN as if this to signal he should be impressed)

IAN:


Cole-

COLE:


Mrs Everitt set me nearly 5 minutes of quiet time that day, but it didn’t even bother me. What mattered to me was that Susie Ross got her hair tie back. Do you understand?

(He looks to IAN again, who stands waiting to understand why this is worth his time)

IAN:


No.

COLE:


Justice, constable! Since that day, I’ve dedicated my life to delivering justice. And so I will track this lawbreaker for as long as it takes. (Raising the binoculars to his face once again)

IAN:


(exasperated, to himself) You’re not “tracking a lawbreaker”...

COLE:


Excuse me?

IAN:


(more emphatically) I said, you’re not "tracking a lawbreaker”!

COLE:


(Binoculars still pressed to the face) Well, I clearly am.

IAN:


No, you’re not! This isn’t some “covert operation”, it’s busywork. The captain said he needed a day without hearing about your “crosshairs of justice”.

(THOMAS walks in and sits next to Bridget while IAN is talking, covering his face with a comically large newspaper)

IAN:


You’re on a wild goose chase, Cole.

COLE:


(Scoffs) I see no wild geese here, Constable Duncan. In fact, look over there! What does that look like to you? (Handing him the binoculars)

IAN:


What? The ducks?

COLE:


No! To the right of the ducks! The man! Next to Ms Hazelwood.

IAN:


Well, it looks like a man.

COLE:


Not just any man; a suspicious man! That could be “The Jack”!

IAN:


Oh for god’s sake, Cole! (Giving the binoculars back to Cole who immediately stares through them again) Will you give up on this jewel thief?

COLE:


(Taking the binoculars away from his face) I’m sorry? Give up?

IAN:


Come on, nobody on the force takes “The Jack” seriously. He’s a decent story but that’s it. You know how well insured his ‘targets’ are. The rich twats are better off not even pressing charges.

COLE:


You know, when I first met you, Constable Duncan, I thought I might actually have a worthy partner. But lately the light’s gone out behind your eyes. If you can’t keep your attention on one case for more than a day then maybe you’d be better off finding some other source of employment.

IAN:


We’re not partners, Cole! That’s not even how it fucking works in this country! I mean for shit’s sake, Cole. I’m trying to help you. You know everybody in the office laughs at you behind your back.

COLE:


(Scoffs self-righteously) Pfff. (pause) It’s not entirely behind my back.

IAN:


Well you’re not exactly doing yourself any favours. I’m telling you ditch “The Jack”, come down the pub with us a few times and please, please lose the trilby. You’re never gonna be *Poirot*, but it’s not too late to live a normal life.

(IAN notices a bag left alone)

IAN:


Just think about it, mate. I’ll see you Monday.

(IAN leaves to find the owner of the bag while COLE watches him leave. Once he’s off stage COLE slowly takes off his trilby and sets it down. He sits back down with his head in his hands. The man sitting next to BRIDGET gets up to leave while the NARRATOR looks back and forth between the forlorn COLE and the escaping THOMAS.)

NARRATOR:


Oh, err.. Are you alright, constable?

(No response)

NARRATOR:


Constable?

COLE:


What!? (forlorn) You want me to keep going? I think that’s a pretty certain end, don’t you? Have you considered that not everyone’s story is worth telling?

NARRATOR:


Now you know better than that. These moments are when men prove themselves. Imagine if you’d just let Fred Foster steal Susie’s hair tie?

COLE:


I did. (collapsing slightly)

NARRATOR:


What? I thought you knocked him out with a pritt stick.

COLE:


I missed him completely. Hit Nancy Barker in the face.

NARRATOR:


But..

COLE:


And Susie and Fred got married.

NARRATOR:


Cole?
(No response)
(To the audience) There’s always one, right?
Cole, just look back at Bridget!

COLE:


(Looks up to see the missing man) You wanted to show me the only lead in this case has walked away? Thank you, now not only has my partner left me, but so has any chance of chasing down “The Jack”.

NARRATOR:


Oh Jesus, Cole. Will you quit with the wallowing.

COLE:


I’m sorry?

NARRATOR:


You heard me. You’re a grown man, have some self respect.

COLE:


This is a *low point.* I think I’m allowed a moment of wallow.

NARRATOR:


No you’re right, you are. There, did you enjoy it? Now you’ve had your moment, maybe you can do your job and check out where Bridget’s going?

(Perfectly on cue, Bridget gets up to leave. Cole looks up and sees her go)

NARRATOR:


If 9 year old Cole saw you trying to hide your tears with a pair of binoculars, what do you think he’d say? Because I think he’d say, get up off your arse and start delivering some fricking justice.

COLE:


(Getting up) Excuse me. (Clearing his throat) Don’t tell me how to do my job. (Into a walkie-talkie) Person-of-interest Bridget Hazelwood is now entering Mancino’s Ristorante. (With a glance to the NARRATOR) I am in pursuit.

(NARRATOR claps for scene change)

Scene Seven: Cole’s Story - The Restaurant

(COLE enters the restaurant)

COLE:


Alright, Bridget. Why the impromptu restaurant visit? And why here? And who was that suspicious man on the bench? And where are you sitting? (Placing the binoculars up to his face again, searching for BRIDGET) A million questions and no answers.

CHEF CASPER:


Can I help you, sir?

COLE:


Ha. I doubt it.

CHEF CASPER:


(Shocked slightly) Well if you’re not eating, I might have to ask you to leave.

COLE:


Fine. I’ll take a table for one.

CHEF CASPER:


(Scoffs) Really?

COLE:


(Taking binoculars down) Yes? What’s wrong with a table for one?

CHEF CASPER:


No I don’t mean you can’t.. I.. I’m sure you have lots of friends. I just mean we’re very busy tonight, we’re not really meant to be taking walk-ins.

COLE:


Well I think you can make an exception for a man of my occupation.

CHEF CASPER:


I’m sorry we don’t have special rules for bird watchers.

COLE:


No. (Gets his badge to show secretly) I’m on a covert mission. Tracking one of your customers.

CHEF CASPER:


(Visibly distressed) Argh really? But we’re already so oversubscribed. Everyone’s got an excuse today. I can probably get you a chair in the corner, as long as *nobody* joins you.

COLE:


Definitely won’t be a problem. Now, is this a dark corner?

CHEF CASPER:


(With a slightly strange look) No, it’s alright, I promise. Why don’t we sit you down?

COLE:


Is there any way to make it dark?

CHEF CASPER:


(Exasperatedly) I can ask the manager. Please just sit down.

(They move towards his seat, midway COLE spots BRIDGET)

COLE:


There! That’s her! Who’s that suspicious man she’s speaking to?

CHEF CASPER:


What? It’s a waiter? (Looks to COLE who has a crazed look in his eye) Can I see your badge again?

COLE:


It’s alright, (leaning in to see name badge) Casper. You’ve helped me all you can. (Taking his seat) You *can* bring me a peach schnapps, though. Shaken, not..

CHEF CASPER:


No, I can’t! You’re not a customer here! (Taking the menu from COLE and leaving) And I really don’t think you should be drinking.

(COLE gets his binoculars out again and spots ANNE)

COLE:


Wait, Casper! Is that Anne Frost?

CHEF CASPER:


Yes, she’s our guest of honour so please don’t..

JANE:


(standing up) Yes! Oh, yes! I knew it! I knew it! You really can’t keep a secret, can you?

(COLE’S binoculars flick over to JANE and CHEF CASPER leaves)

JOHN:


I- uh- sorry?

JANE:


Don’t be. This is the happiest day of my life.

(COLE lowers his binoculars, looking slightly disappointed/envious. He takes a moment to look around at all the other couples at the restaurant.)

COLE:


Tell me, Casper. Do chefs have partners? (Looks up to see he left a long time ago) Oh.*

(COLE takes out his police badge, looking at it longingly. LIV enters, sees COLE, reacts and trips, spilling the glass over ANNE.)

ANNE:


You untrained imbecile!

(The wait staff and THOMAS move in to dry her off)

COLE:


The suspicious man!

(ALEXANDER moves her away looking disappointed before blocking COLE moving in trying to help)

ALEXANDER:


Please stand back, sir. Everything’s under control.

COLE:


No, you’ve got to let me through! That's my man.

(THOMAS, seeing COLE, flees)

ANNE:


(standing loudly as she gasps in horror) Oh, Alexander, it’s gone!

COLE:


Alright, everybody freeze.

(Everyone freezes again)

COLE:


That had to be “the Jack”! Argh, through my clutches again!

NARRATOR:


Do you think there’s enough evidence?

COLE:


Enough evidence? He caused a commotion so he could get close to Anne and steal the bracelet. *And* we know he knows Bridget!

NARRATOR:


Well then, I think it is time to talk to our new lead: the woman of the hour.

(The NARRATOR turns expectantly towards BRIDGET, but it is JANE who unfreezes behind him.)

JANE:


Oooo me! That’s me!

NARRATOR:


Uh, well, no. You’re not exactly who I had in mind.

JOHN:


(Through gritted teeth) Yes, sweetheart, please sit down. I really think people have better things to do than hear about your day.

JANE:


But-

NARRATOR:


Now, wait a minute, sir. Who are you to be telling this young woman what to do?

JOHN:


I-

JANE:


He’s my fiancée! Look! Isn’t it gorgeous? It brings out my eyes and everything. Doesn’t he know me so well?

(JANE shows off the ring to the NARRATOR and the audience)

NARRATOR:


Oh yes, he has remarkable taste. Please, tell us what happened.

JOHN:


Oh we wouldn’t want to take up your time, would we dear?

NARRATOR:


Nonsense, we have all the time in the world.

COLE:


But-

NARRATOR:


Shall we?

(The NARRATOR goes to clap but is stopped by JOHN.)

JOHN:


Very well. But if we’re going to do this, we do it my way.

NARRATOR:


Excuse me?

JOHN:


Take a seat, old chap, and leave the storytelling to the professionals.

NARRATOR:


This isn’t your story to tell.

JOHN:


Oh please. Everything the light touches is my kingdom.

NARRATOR:


Hang on a minute, I recognise-

JOHN:


A king's time as ruler rises and falls like the sun. This day, the sun has set on your time here, and has risen with me as the new king.

(JOHN claps twice and the furniture begins to move. JANE and JOHN move to the stairs as a bewildered NARRATOR tries to catch his breath)

Scene Eight: John’s Story - The Park

JANE:


Breathtaking, my love! Wonderfully said.

NARRATOR:


(dodging a chair) Wasn’t that from The Lion King?

JOHN:


Nonsense, I would never go against my integrity as a wordsmith.

NARRATOR:


You’re a writer? I thought you were an assistant?

JANE:


Only while he finishes his first book! And then everyone will know the name “John Doe”. Go on John, tell them our story.

JOHN:


(Clears his throat) Well, we didn’t mean to run into each other. Hadn’t made plans, but-

JANE:


Fate intervened.

JOHN:


Darling, we talked about this, please don’t interrupt my creative flow.

JANE:


Sorry, my love, do continue.

(She mimes zipping her lips, sheepishly.)

JOHN:


We hadn’t made plans to see each other, but… life finds a way.

(They walk down into the scene, leaving the NARRATOR on the steps. JANE picks up her phone, walking one way around the thrust as JOHN starts the other way.)

JOHN:


We were both on the phone when we ran into each other. Her to her friend…

JANE:


(on the phone) The police pulled you in for questioning? Again? I thought all that was over.

JOHN:


And me to my… sponsor.

NARRATOR:


You mean your boss?

JOHN:


Really just a temporary source of income. After all, these office jobs, they may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom.

JANE:


(away from the phone) Oooo, that’s a good one, you should write it down.

NARRATOR:


I think somebody already has…

JANE:


(Back to the phone) Wait. They said what?

JOHN:


(Picking up the phone) Anne. What is it?

JANE:


Your ex husband? Of course not! This is the guy that couldn’t even be bothered to buy you flowers. They can’t be serious?

JOHN:


Do you have to be calling me about this now, Anne? It’s a Saturday and I’m tired from pickleball practice.

JANE:


The police are following you? You’re joking.

JOHN:


I thought we agreed Miranda was good last week? She seems fine to me.

JANE:


(giggling) Only you would be complaining that someone isn’t stalking you well enough.

(JANE sees JOHN as they meet in the middle. She puts her phone to her chest and waves enthusiastically.)

JANE:


John!

(Slight panic crosses JOHN’s face as he holds the phone slightly further away from his ear and points at it, mouthing sorry. He goes to walk past but JANE motions to stop him.)

JANE:


It’s okay, I’ll wait. (putting the phone back to her ear) Sorry, what was that? I just ran into John.

JOHN:


(To the phone) How am I going to find someone on such short notice?

JANE:


Yeah, well you don’t have a good track record of reading men now, do you? Look, I have to go now, but keep me updated, okay?

JOHN:


Monday? But my pickleball team is playing in the finals tomorrow.

JANE:


Okay, good luck. Bye bye.

(JANE hangs up as JOHN reacts to an unheard threat)

JOHN:


(Panicked) Err.. I’ve actually already got dinner plans. (JANE looks over excitedly) But thank you, Anne.

JANE:


(As JOHN puts down the phone) Dinner plans? You’re going to take me to dinner?

JOHN:


Oh- well- uh- Anne asked me to come to dinner with her but-

JANE:


You’d already made plans to surprise me! What a gentleman.

JOHN:


Jane, actually, I-

JANE:


So many of my friends date men who are just clueless when it comes to romance. I mean Bridget is still being harassed by that pathetic ex of hers, and I always told her he wasn’t good enough for her. I said to her ‘Why settle for a boy, when you could have a real man?’

NARRATOR:


A *real* man?

JOHN:


Right, of course. Which is why I made plans to surprise you with dinner, but you caught me. Guess we’ll just have to do something else now, what a shame.

JANE:


Don’t be silly, we can still go. Where did you plan to take me?

JOHN:


Where did I plan to take you? (looking around desperately for inspiration and seeing the restaurant) Oh look at that, right over there.

JANE:


Mancino’s? But I thought it was impossible to get a reservation there?

JOHN:


It is? Um, maybe I was mistaken then.

JANE:


(giggles) Oh you are funny, John. I knew you were just pretending not to listen last week when I told you I wanted to go there. I am so very lucky to have you.

JOHN:


Well, only the best for mi amore.

JANE:


When did you learn Italian? You sound so… sexy. Say something else.

JOHN:


(Kissing her hand) As you wish. Il mio cane è disoccupato e ha un solo occhio.

JANE:


Oh my love, you do have such a way with words. (pause) What did you say?

JOHN:


I’d tell you but then we wouldn’t make it to the restaurant.

NARRATOR:


Your dog is unemployed and only has one eye?

JOHN:


(to the NARRATOR) Duolingo never teaches you anything useful.

NARRATOR:


But how did you even get into Mancino’s without a reservation? They don’t just let anyone in.

JOHN:


Maybe they wouldn’t let *you* in. (JOHN scoffs and the NARRATOR bristles in response) But perhaps I made them an offer they couldn’t refuse.

(JOHN claps and the scene begins to change.)

NARRATOR:


(Following aggressively through the scene change) You can’t just walk in there.

JOHN:


You can when you know the manager.

Scene Nine: John’s Story - The Restaurant

(In the midst of the scene change, JOHN intercepts VICKY and they begin to talk as the transition ends, JANE standing back.)

VICKY:


Absolutely, not.

JOHN:


Oh come on, Vicky. You don’t have one spare table?

VICKY:


No, we don’t have one spare table. Do you know how fast Mancino’s books out?

JOHN:


And you’ve had no cancellations?

VICKY:


Well…

JOHN:


Yes, great. Give us the table. You owe me for the duck incident.

VICKY:


You cannot keep bringing that up, I’ve paid you back for that six times already.

JOHN:


This’ll be the last time, I swear. Jane is waiting outside, are you really going to let her down like that?

VICKY:


(Considers) Fine. But only because I feel sorry for her, having to put up with you. It’s table three, and you’ll seat yourselves. We’ve got an important guest here, and I won’t spare the staff.

JOHN:


Yes. Vicky, you’re my favourite, I’ve always said it.

VICKY:


(Exiting) Last time, John, I mean it.

NARRATOR:


So you talked your way in and Jane just didn’t notice?

JOHN:


(Leading JANE to the table) Not even remotely.

JANE:


So… what was that all about?

JOHN:


What was what?

JANE:


(giggles) Oh don’t play dumb. Pulling the manager aside to talk to them where I couldn’t hear? You’re hiding something, aren’t you?

JOHN:


No, what are you talking… (sees Anne enter) about?

(JOHN tries to hide from his boss, as JANE begins to list things off.)

JANE:


Let’s see, surprise dinner, extra arrangements, suspicious behaviour… I think I know exactly what’s going on.

JOHN:


(distractedly) I’m sure you do, sweetheart. (realising what she said) Wait, what do you know?

(STEPH appears at the table)

STEPH:


Good evening, sir, madam, I will be your waitress this evening. What would you like to drink?

JOHN:


Uh- yes, two glasses of champagne, please.

STEPH:


(Nodding knowingly) Of course, sir. Coming right up.

(She walks away to get their order.)

JANE:


Champagne? Are we celebrating something, my love?

JOHN:


My new book? What else?

JANE:


Right, your new book. (giggles) Why don’t you recite me something from your new book? Something romantic, perhaps?

JOHN:


We’ve been over this sweetheart, it is not one of your romance novels. It is a literary exploration of the human condition.

JANE:


Please? You know how much I love hearing your work. You must be the most talented man I’ve ever met.

JOHN:


Alright then, if it means that much to you. (JANE sits up expectantly and as he clears his throat) You have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.

JANE:


Oh John.

NARRATOR:


Seriously? Mr Darcy? You can’t even be genuinely romantic to the woman who loves you?

(STEPH arrives back with the drinks before JOHN can respond.)

STEPH:


Your drinks, sir, madam.

(JANE lets out a shout/gasp of delight as she fishes the ring from the glass.)

JANE:


(standing up) Yes! Oh, yes! I knew it! I knew it! You really can’t keep a secret, can you?

JOHN:


I- uh- sorry?

JANE:


Don’t be. This is the happiest day of my life.

(JANE embraces a confused JOHN as the restaurant applauds. He sits her back down, as she stares at the ring in delight.)

JOHN:


Jane, sweetheart, I think there’s been some sort of a mistake.

JANE:


Mistake? Oh you’re so harsh on yourself, my love. Sure, I saw it coming; you weren’t exactly subtle. But that doesn’t matter, because now we never will be parted from each other, just like in your book.

JOHN:


No sweetheart, you don’t understand, that extract was really taken out of context. Damien is a very complicated character who comes to realise he needs his independence, that a true man can only be held back by human connection. Do you see?

NARRATOR:


You can’t even recognise a good woman when you have her, can you?

JANE:


Yes, they’re very complicated and beautiful characters, I understand.

JOHN:


No, I’m not sure you do, dear, and (looking at the ring) I certainly don’t.

(LIV enters, sees the police, reacts and trips, spilling the glass over ANNE.)

ANNE:


You untrained imbecile!

(The usual commotion begins.)

JANE:


What is going on?

ALEXANDER:


Please stand back, sir. Everything’s under control.

ANNE:


Do you know how much this costs? Do you understand what you’ve done?

JANE:


John? Isn’t that your boss?

JOHN:


Uh-

ANNE:


(standing as she gasps loudly in horror) Oh, Alexander, it’s gone!

COLE:


Alright, everybody freeze.

(Everyone freezes again, after a second JANE starts clapping)

Scene Ten: Interlude

JANE:


Bravo, that was wonderfully told, my love.

NARRATOR:


You’re clapping? Him? This lazy, thoughtless, ungrateful man?

JOHN:


Woah, steady on, old chap.

NARRATOR:


I just- I dont- I cannot fathom how you can love him. He’s a fraud.

JANE:


He’s a genius, and I won’t let you talk badly about my fiance.

NARRATOR:


Your fiance? But he doesn’t even-

JOHN:


That’s my girl.

NARRATOR:


You know what, fine. Let’s just move on. Where was I? Who’s next?

COLE:


We were-

(RANDY and the ELDERLY COUPLE unfreeze.)

RANDY:


Oh can I have a go? I’d love to tell you about my day.

MARGARET:


Oh yes, then we should have a turn, Stuart, show all these young’uns who’s boss.

STUART:


Whatever you say, dear.

NARRATOR:


Now hold on right there, this isn’t first come first served.

MARGARET:


(pointing at JANE) But you let that woman jump in, why can’t we?

NARRATOR:


Because we are on a strict schedule here.

RANDY:


My day is really interesting, I promise.

MARGARET:


Yes, let this young man tell you about his day, he’s asking very politely.

NARRATOR:


No, I don’t think you understand how this works. He can’t have a turn just because he wants one.

MARGARET:


Well that seems very unfair. Stuart! Stuart, do something.

NARRATOR:


Please don’t-

STUART:


What is it dear?

MARGARET:


That horrible bloke is depriving this lovely young man of his freedom of speech.

NARRATOR:


I am doing nothing of the sort.

RANDY:


It’s okay if we really don’t have time…

NARRATOR:


Yes, thank you, we really don’t.

STUART:


Don’t worry, son. My Margaret always gets what she wants.

NARRATOR:


I am not going to be bullied by an old woman.
**MARGARET / STUART / RANDY**
Who are you calling old? You hooligan. / Don’t talk to my wife like that. / I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to be any trouble…

NARRATOR:


Oh will you all be quiet! I am the narrator. I am running this show. This is my story. And I am in charge of who gets to talk and when. Do I make myself clear?

(All the characters return to their frozen positions in various demeanors of frustration or embarrassment.)

NARRATOR:


(regaining composure as everyone freezes) Thank you.

Scene Eleven: Bridget’s Story - The Park

NARRATOR:


Now, where was I? Ah yes. Our current lead - Bridget Hazelwood.

BRIDGET:


(unfreezing) I suppose you have questions for me?

NARRATOR:


I do, but you must be getting bored of having to answer them. I gather the police have put you through quite the interrogation.

BRIDGET:


Well yes, they did, but…

NARRATOR:


But?

BRIDGET:


I’m starting to think some of my answers might have changed.

NARRATOR:


Care to elaborate?

BRIDGET:


Would you like me to start at the beginning?

NARRATOR:


You read my mind.

(The NARRATOR claps twice and the scene change occurs, BRIDGET leading him up to the balcony.)

BRIDGET:


Six thefts in six months, and me, in the middle of it all.

NARRATOR:


Making you quite the suspect…

BRIDGET:


I know. I’m not stupid, I know how it looks. So I wasn’t exactly surprised when the police suspected me; and after, finally, ruling me out, when they investigated people close to me. And yet…

NARRATOR:


And yet?

BRIDGET:


I did not predict the police labelling my ex husband as their top suspect.

NARRATOR:


Ah, I see. It’s understandable, you know. Nothing to be ashamed of. None of us could possibly imagine those who we’ve cared about so deeply being capable of such heinous-

BRIDGET:


(laughing and breaking away from him to descend the stairs) Oh no, that’s not what I meant. It’s not that I thought he had morals, it’s that well… breaking the law, that would take… effort.

NARRATOR:


(Trailing after her) Effort?

BRIDGET:


You know, determination, ambition. A theft that would take like time and planning. And as I was telling my friend on the phone that morning, the idea of the police thinking my ex-husband pulled something like that off, is well…
(picking up the phone and holding it to her ear)
…crazy. The whole thing is completely bonkers! That man wouldn’t even lift a finger for me. I mean grand larceny, that’s *work*. Can you imagine?
…
Oh, they’re completely serious. I’ve now got cops following me and everything.
…
I wish I was. They’re not even any good at it. I mean you do not need binoculars when you’re literally sitting behind me. On a bench. In broad daylight.
…
Oh well, I’m glad someone is finding this funny. I just- I thought with a good lawyer and the right paperwork, I could finally put that man behind me. But he’s still hanging around like a bad smell.

(BRIDGET scrunches up her nose as THOMAS sits on the bench beside her, hiding behind his newspaper)

BRIDGET:


Jane? Are you still there?
…
John? Oh god, you know what I think about him. He’s not good enough for you…

NARRATOR:


(still to the audience) I’m starting to like this woman.

BRIDGET:


Touché. You know I will, I’ll tell you everything later.

(BRIDGET puts the phone down, turning to the NARRATOR as THOMAS vaguely tries to get her attention behind the newspaper.)

NARRATOR:


Not John’s biggest fan then I take it?

BRIDGET:


Oh, don’t even start. Honestly I don’t understand what she sees in him, I mean she has seen him, right?

THOMAS:


(trying unsuccessfully to get her attention) Psst.

(The NARRATOR notices THOMAS and raises his eyebrows.)

NARRATOR:


Well, some people are quite talented at missing what’s right next to them.

BRIDGET:


Even so, talk about being oblivious. At some point she’s going to open her eyes and realise-

THOMAS:


Excuse me?

(BRIDGET turns in surprise towards THOMAS who hides further behind his newspaper.)

THOMAS:


I mean- (putting on a deeper voice) excuse me?

BRIDGET:


Yes? Can I help you?

THOMAS:


Do you… know who I am?

BRIDGET:


No? You haven’t told me?

THOMAS:


You don’t recognise…? Fine. Well, you will.

BRIDGET:


Sorry? Are you sure you’re talking to the right person? I imagine you can’t see all that well from behind that newspaper.

(She goes to take the newspaper from him, but he raises it higher, looking around suspiciously.)

THOMAS:


(momentarily losing his deep voice) Don’t! I mean, I don’t think that’s a good idea. There are (lowering his voice further) cops around.

BRIDGET:


Oh, trust me, I’ve noticed.

THOMAS:


(Seeing ANNE go into Mancino’s and pointing at it) Just. You see that restaurant? Go in and get a table. Then you’ll find out who I am.

BRIDGET:


Why would I need to find out who you are? Who are you?

THOMAS:


(noticing IAN and the bag and getting up) I told you, you’ll find out.

(THOMAS goes over to IAN and the bag, ending up taking it off him and exiting to the restaurant, leaving BRIDGET on the bench.)

NARRATOR:


And he just left you sitting there? What did you do?

BRIDGET:


What do you mean what did I do? A random man acting incredibly suspiciously just told me to follow him into a restaurant to ‘find out who he is’. I mean it’s crazy. And not to mention nothing to do with me. I have no reason to follow him, what could I possibly gain-

NARRATOR:


You went into the restaurant.

(slight pause)

BRIDGET:


Yeah. I did. Wouldn’t you?

NARRATOR:


After you.

(BRIDGET exits towards the restaurant as the NARRATOR claps twice and the scene changes to the restaurant.)

Scene Twelve: Bridget’s Story - The Restaurant

(BRIDGET enters the restaurant, to be greeted by THOMAS in waiter outfit.)

BRIDGET:


(not immediately seeing it’s THOMAS) I’m sorry, I know I don’t have a reservation, but I don’t suppose you… (looking up) oh. Thomas.

THOMAS:


Bridget. You look… good.

BRIDGET:


Thank you. I am good. And you’re a waiter now? I had no idea. That’s… wonderful.

THOMAS:


Waiter? (looking down) Oh, no. No, I’m not.

(VICKY walks past at that moment.)

VICKY:


Is there a problem over here?

THOMAS:


No, no, let me show you to your table, ma’am.

(THOMAS hurriedly guides a confused BRIDGET to an empty table)

THOMAS:


Here you are.

BRIDGET:


Right, thank you?
(There’s an awkward pause as BRIDGET sits down.)
**BRIDGET & THOMAS**
So…

BRIDGET:


You’re not a waiter?

THOMAS:


No. I’m uh- well- I can’t believe you actually came.

BRIDGET:


What?

THOMAS:


It was me. On the bench. Outside. With the newspaper. Talking to you. Before.

BRIDGET:


That was you?

THOMAS:


Yes. And, well, this is who I am, Bridget.

BRIDGET:


*Not* a waiter?

THOMAS:


No, I- I’m the thief. The Jack of Diamonds.

BRIDGET:


(laughing) No you’re not.

THOMAS:


(taking her hand) Yes. I am.

BRIDGET:


You’re serious?

THOMAS:


Completely. I did it. All of it. All for you, Bridget.

BRIDGET:


No… no, I don’t believe it. You, Thomas? You? How could my ex-husband, the bank manager, pull off 6 jewel heists?

THOMAS:


It’s not nearly as hard as it looks. People think these things take a whole load of planning, I find it’s more about improv. It’s like Jazz music, you know like Michael Buble?

BRIDGET:


You know I love Michael Buble.

THOMAS:


You remember about half a year ago, we were drawing up the divorce agreement at your lawyer’s office in the city? Well, I couldn’t stop thinking about the first time we met. At the…

BRIDGET:


At the free-range chicken farm. I remember.

THOMAS:


Exactly. Well I was walking home, feeling pretty sorry for myself, and I saw you heading into the royal museum. I wasn’t following you, but I guess we were in the same area. And you know they had that collection of faberge eggs? Well, I saw it and I just.. I needed one. So I took it.

BRIDGET:


Jesus, Thomas that was you? You must be filthy rich. How much was it worth?

THOMAS:


I don’t know.

BRIDGET:


You didn’t sell it?

THOMAS:


No? It’s on my bedside table.

BRIDGET:


It’s not about the money?

THOMAS:


No, Bridget. It’s always been about y…

(JANE stands up in the background, BRIDGET and THOMAS turn to watch her excitement.)

JANE:


(fishing a ring out of her glass) Yes! Oh, yes! I knew it!

(The proposal fades into the background as they turn back to each other, something heavy and unspoken between them.)

THOMAS:


You, Bridget. It’s all for you. Let me show you.

NARRATOR:


(stepping in) From the beginning?

THOMAS:


If you’d let me? (turning back to Bridget, missing the NARRATOR’s reaction) One last time.

NARRATOR:


Be my guest.

(He claps twice, and the scene resets to the park once more, BRIDGET guided up to the balcony by THOMAS)

Scene Thirteen: Thomas’ Story - The Park

BRIDGET:


Hold on, there’s still so much I don’t understand. The faberge egg. The Times called it the most polished heist of the century. That it must’ve taken a true master of the craft.
(NARRATOR scoffs)
How did you even do it? And weren’t you afraid of being caught?

THOMAS:


Look, Bridget. I always thought my purpose on this earth was to be your husband. When that was taken away, not much concerned me anymore. So no, getting caught didn’t bother me much. But then I just walked out with it and nobody stopped me. It was something else, Bridget. I felt like I’d really found *my thing.*
So I’ve been trying to keep it up. Around once a month, when something catches my eye, I just go for it! I think these things are really just about getting over yourself and just going for it, you know?

NARRATOR:


Just going for it must be easier when all the pieces fall into your lap…

THOMAS:


Take today, for example. It just so happens that thieving was on my mind that morning. It had been whole 39 days since I happened into that trapiche emerald necklace. You remember the whole Kate Middleton thing at the Women In Finance gala?

BRIDGET:


Of course I remember, I was there! They cancelled the whole thing.

THOMAS:


Exactly, so I was starting to feel the burglary bug bite at me again. And like usual, (picking up the magazine and sitting down) opportunity came knocking.
(ALEXANDER enters holding 3 cups of coffee.)
A whole double page spread about some fashion lady’s collection of pre-napoleonic jewellery and who should be standing right in-front of me, talking about pickling balls?

ANNE:


Alright, John. Get in early on Monday. (Hanging up the phone)

ALEXANDER:


Miss Frost doesn’t do autographs, move it along.

(ALEXANDER moves him along, and THOMAS moves to sit next to BRIDGET on the bench with his newspaper.)

THOMAS:


The game was afoot, but I still needed you there.

BRIDGET:


Hang on, why do you always need me there?

THOMAS:


Bridget, you’re still not getting it, are you? Without you, there’s no point to any of it. I’d already decided my 7th heist would be my last. It was time to come clean to you and lay all my cards on the table.

BRIDGET:


So you told me to meet you in Mancino’s.

(IAN picks up LIV’s bag)

THOMAS:


But I still needed a way in myself, and that’s when I overheard a sound I’d begun to recognise. Opportunity. Time to turn on the normal charisma.

(THOMAS gets up off the bench and walks over to IAN with purpose.)

THOMAS:


(trying to be suave) Did I hear that bag has a uniform?

(IAN turns his attention to THOMAS and THOMAS visibly weakens under his gaze.)

THOMAS:


(Coughing awkwardly) I mean, err… I’m just going to enjoy a dinner at the err… the restaurant. And err… I thought I could help you.

IAN:


Mancino’s?

THOMAS:


Errr… yep.

IAN:


Well, I was just going to head in there myself. A waitress dropped it, so I thought I’d best…

THOMAS:


I could take it for you?

IAN:


Oh no you really don’t…

THOMAS:


Please, I’m an… upstanding… citizen of… this town. You should let the community take some weight off the… err… encumbered shoulders of… of the noble police force.
(IAN stares back blankly)
And then you can go home early?

(IAN looks him up and down, eventually handing him the bag to leave)

IAN:


I s’pose that’s fine…

NARRATOR:


The classic Jack of Diamonds charm.

THOMAS:


So there you go, as they say in Chess… I was ready. A quick change behind a tree and I was perfectly disguised. I had a target, an infallible route and my lucky charm was set to be there too. It was time.

(THOMAS looks to the NARRATOR)

NARRATOR:


To Mancino’s it is.

(NARRATOR claps twice and the scene changes around BRIDGET and the NARRATOR while THOMAS leaves)

Scene Fourteen: Thomas’ Story - The Restaurant

(THOMAS re-enters wearing uniform)

THOMAS:


You were perfectly on time - as always.

(VICKY walks past at that moment.)

VICKY:


Is there a problem over here?

THOMAS:


No, no, let me show you to your table, ma’am.

(THOMAS hurriedly guides a confused BRIDGET to an empty table)

THOMAS:


Here you are.

BRIDGET:


Right, thank you?
(BRIDGET sits down with no awkward pause this time.)
**BRIDGET & THOMAS**
So…

THOMAS:


So here we are again.

BRIDGET:


Why did you wait so long to tell me, Thomas?

THOMAS:


Well I was waiting for the right moment. It’s just like thieving. You know what the secret is to a good heist?

BRIDGET:


No?

THOMAS:


Timing.

JANE:


(fishing a ring out of her glass) Yes! Oh, yes! I knew it!

THOMAS:


Real opportunities come rarely. So you’ve got to strike while the iron’s hot.

(LIV reenters tripping again on the NARRATOR, spilling wine over ANNE)

THOMAS:


That’s my cue.

ANNE:


You untrained imbecile!

(The wait staff and THOMAS move in to dry her off)

LIV:


Oh f— I’m so sorry, I just.. I tripped.. I don’t..

(ALEXANDER moves her away looking disappointed before blocking COLE moving in trying to help)

ALEXANDER:


Please stand back, sir. Everything’s under control.

ANNE:


Do you know how much this costs? Do you understand what you’ve done?

THOMAS:


Wait, where is it?

ANNE:


(standing loudly as she gasps in horror) Oh, Alexander, it’s gone!

COLE:


Alright, everybody freeze.

THOMAS:


(Looking at BRIDGET) Shit.

(THOMAS dashes out the restaurant)

COLE:


Hey, I said freeze! (COLE moves to chase but THOMAS is off running)

(Everyone freezes except the NARRATOR)

Scene Fifteen: Mancino’s Story

(There’s a pause as the focus returns to the NARRATOR, sat in the corner)

NARRATOR:


Oh be honest, wouldn’t you have been disappointed? All of that, for *him*? A lovelorn fool with a lucky streak. Come on, don’t pretend that would have been satisfying. You didn’t want that, did you? I didn’t. Now I won’t deny, when I read about “The Jack of Diamonds”, I was curious. That much success is seductive.
(NARRATOR begins to move between the frozen characters)
The police were taking their time to track him down, so I took things into my own hands. And let's just say, what I found (landing on THOMAS) was anything but seductive. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t be a “useful idiot” and that was the beginning of an idea. An idea for a story worth telling. An idea that would cause something in the air to begin to shift. An idea with one shot, that I did not intend to waste. But where? Where could I make sure everything would be under my control? Where could I move freely without suspicion? Where, but my very own restaurant? Yes, I am Tiro Mancino, and I believe it’s high time for my story.

(The NARRATOR claps twice and the set begins to move.)

NARRATOR:


I would make the theft, and the police would catch their criminal - everyone in their places woven together with an invisible thread.

(The NARRATOR walks down into the scene to ANNE)

NARRATOR:


It starts with an invitation sent to a particularly important patron to dine at the restaurant, one who famously…

ANNE:


(sitting on the bench) on Saturdays, I take my lunch in the park.

NARRATOR:


(sitting besides her with the newspaper) … and one who recently did an interview on her extensive collection of Marie Antoinette’s jewellery. An interview conveniently left on a bench at an opportune moment.

(The NARRATOR gets up, leaving the newspaper for THOMAS to claim as he sits down.)

NARRATOR:


A breath held. A bow string pulled taut…

THOMAS:


A whole double page spread about some fashion lady’s collection of pre-napoleonic jewellery.

(ALEXANDER moves THOMAS away and the NARRATOR continues.)

NARRATOR:


… and released. As hours of work began to unfurl and days of planning slot into place.

(LIV runs down into the scene, dropping her bag.)

NARRATOR:


Of course, it would take a hand-picked waitress, who was so reliably late she was on…

LIV:


… my third strike this month. She’s going to fire me.

NARRATOR:


(moving the bag) A waitress who could believably misplace her bag, to be found by a well-meaning onlooker.

IAN:


Miss! Miss!

(LIV runs off stage, leaving the bag. IAN walks over to pick it up.)

NARRATOR:


(with mock helpfulness) Oh, sir, that lady appears to have dropped her bag.

IAN:


Yes, and did you see where she went?

NARRATOR:


Into the restaurant, I think she’s a waitress there. She’d better get it back, it might contain something useful like (raising his voice) a *uniform* in there.

(THOMAS looks over from his seat with BRIDGET and gets up as the NARRATOR hands IAN the bag and walks away.)

NARRATOR:


Our thief now has his target and his way in. A carefully crafted order of events. But that’s Mancino’s for you.

(He claps twice and the scene begins to shift into the restaurant, as it does, he makes his way to the back to interject with VICKY.)

NARRATOR:


An organised, well-oiled machine. Especially when I make sure to check in with my manager regularly.

VICKY:


Can I help you with something?

NARRATOR:


Oh don’t mind me. Just here to observe. Although… here. This is a request from table three. (winks at the audience)

VICKY:


Table three? But- I mean, of course, we’ll get on that right away.

NARRATOR:


(walking out into the restaurant) Every person was a piece set as it was intended. All I had to do was wait for exactly the distraction I had planned. And what better to take advantage of, then young love at work…

JANE:


(fishing a ring out of her glass) Yes! Oh, yes! I knew it! I knew it! You really can’t keep a secret, can you?

NARRATOR:


(to ANNE) … don’t you think?

(Everyone on stage begins to move in slow motion for the theft.)

NARRATOR:


Such a small moment, the passing comment of a restaurant owner to an esteemed patron. So inconsequential to someone of her importance that she wouldn’t even come to remember it when pressed to relive it. But every movement was intentional.

(He reaches for the bracelet and he pulls it from her wrist.)

NARRATOR:


(staring at it fondly) Every moment was intricately planned.

(the rest of the restaurant assumes normal pace)

NARRATOR:


And so I had my moment. But my scapegoat still required his.

(LIV walks up for the trip.)

NARRATOR:


And it was timed to perfect-

(LIV trips and spills the wine over ANNE.)

ANNE:


You untrained imbecile!

THOMAS:


That’s my cue.

(At her outburst and state, multiple waiters move in with cloths, including THOMAS.)

NARRATOR:


All it takes is one slip, and our thief takes his chance.

ALEXANDER:


Please stand back, sir. Everything’s under control.

COLE:


But-

NARRATOR:


Oblivious to every stitch beginning to unravel…

ANNE:


Do you know how much this costs? Do you understand what you’ve done?

(ANNE tries to wave away the people around her as ALEXANDER continues to try and stop COLE getting any closer.)

THOMAS:


Wait, where is it?

NARRATOR:


Dominoes falling, one by one…

ANNE:


(standing as she gasps loudly in horror) Oh, Alexander, it’s gone!

COLE:


Alright, everybody freeze.

NARRATOR:


… and him in the centre of it all.

THOMAS:


(Looking at BRIDGET) Shit.

NARRATOR:


After all, what is the perfect crime…

COLE:


Hey, I said freeze! (COLE moves to chase)

NARRATOR:


… if not a crime that leaves no one looking for a criminal.

Scene Sixteen: END

(THOMAS scurries out the back)

COLE:


Get out the way you oaf! (Talking to ALEXANDER) I’m losing him.

ALEXANDER:


Oi, who are you to tell me what to do.

(COLE flashes his badge)

ALEXANDER:


Oh.

COLE:


Oh, what does it matter, he’s long gone now.

(There’s a pause as COLE stares longingly out, the rest in various degrees of stunned behind him. Then THOMAS is pushed on stage once more, by none other than IAN.)

IAN:


(Offstage) Don’t speak too soon, PC Cole Hardy. This one trying to escape your ‘crosshairs of justice’?

COLE:


Ian!? What are you still doing here?

IAN:


Well I was about to bog off when I bumped into this man here. I know I don’t have your eye for suspicion, but even I could tell something was up with this guy.

THOMAS:


Hey!

IAN:


Cole, (offering his handcuffs) you do the honours.

COLE:


Really?

IAN:


Of course. Just as long as you let me buy you a drink.

COLE:


(Taking the handcuffs) You’ve got a deal.

THOMAS:


If you’re going down the pub, I’m happy to get out of your hair…

(focus shifts)

VICKY:


You’ve finally tied one down then, John.

JOHN:


Apparently so?

VICKY:


Don’t look so uncertain, you’ve done well. Not everyone can put up with your shenanigans.

(JOHN looks thoughtfully over at JANE who is showing off the wedding ring to LIV. VICKY turns to ANNE)

VICKY:


I am awfully sorry for what happened tonight, Ms Frost. I can assure you, the necessary disciplinary action has been taken.

ANNE:


Hm. It’s certainly been an evening of *surprises*.

JOHN:


You’re telling me. Not all surprises are bad though. (Looking back at ANNE) Life is like a box of choc-

ALEXANDER:


Remind me again, what did you need for your model on Monday?

(ALEXANDER gives ANNE a pointed glance and she turns to look a distraught LIV, now being comforted by STEPH, up and down.)

ANNE:


John, that waitress your fiance is talking to…

JOHN:


Yes?

ANNE:


Go and give her this (passing JOHN her business card) .

ALEXANDER:


Allow me, miss.

(ALEXANDER takes the card from ANNE)

ANNE:


Tell her monday morning. 9am. *Don’t* be late.

(ALEXANDER hands LIV the card.)

LIV:


What? What is this?

ALEXANDER:


A second chance, Miss. Take it.

LIV:


I- thank you.

(focus back to cops)

COLE:


Alright, “Jack”. You do not have to say anything. But it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court.

BRIDGET:


Thomas, I don’t know what to say.

THOMAS:


Don’t say anything. There’s nothing to say.

BRIDGET:


Thank you.

THOMAS:


No, thank *you*. It was fun.

COLE:


Okay, that sounds like a confession to me, Ian?

IAN:


It certainly does, Cole. Take him away.

(IAN and COLE take THOMAS down the aisle in handcuffs, past the NARRATOR)

NARRATOR:


The perfect crime.

(He looks thoughtfully at the bracelet, and then back to the groups of people, in silent conversation. He turns to the audience, decides to say nothing, and exits via the thrust, with one final glance back at the door. The different groups begin to exit in turn until the stage is empty.)